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Jess Writes Things

Top Weird Things About Pregnancy

If you didn't read the last post, know that anything like this I'm posting comes with the giant caveat of "THIS HAS BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THIS PREGNANCY," so your mileage may vary, and it doesn't invalidate your pregnancy if this hasn't been your experience. Also I talk about my bladder more than once. You've been warned.

1. Being Out of Breath at Nothing

I'm typing these out of order, and I literally just got out of breath typing the second paragraph. It's ridiculous. I gave a conference talk early in my pregnancy, and my #1 concern was that I would just like, pass out in a heap of breathlessness because talking too much made me out of breath. Working out like, isn't super fun right now, because I can't push myself at all. 

2. One Day, Your Abs Just... Stop Abbing

Have you even woken yourself up in the middle of the night because you tried to roll over in your sleep and got stuck? Nope? Guess you haven't been pregnant then. Seriously, this has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I basically barrel roll off the couch these days. I literally can't walk the dog because her pulling is just torture on my core. Some days I walk around just kind of trying to... squish them back into place. I don't 100% believe anyone who tells me that yes, I will one day be able to do a plank again. 

3. You Learn What Something Poking Your Organs Feels Like

The first time I got kicked in my bladder, I KNEW IT. It's a really bizarre feeling to have a sudden jab to something inside of you. It's basically like the most intense need to pee in the world, but only for like... 10 seconds. 

4. When the Kid Gets Hiccups

You know how when you have hiccups, it already feels a little otherworldly? Like your body is rebelling and all of the sudden you have this tic you can't control? That, but it's not you. Also, it's in your abdomen. If you're lucky, maybe your kid is sitting on your bladder as a bonus!

5. So, Where Do I Put my Laptop?

My laptop doesn't really have a space to live when I'm laying down, because it just slides off my stomach. Which is really unfortunate, because sitting for any length of time makes it feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in the right ribcage.

6. Nesting Hormones

Ask me how much money I've spent on storage bins. Actually, don't. That's classified information. And Ryan lacks the proper security clearance to access that info, because I say so.

7. When You Can Start to Tell Where the Baby is Hanging Out

Some days, she's sitting low. And basically using my bladder as a bean bag. I went to the bathroom 10 times between 11 and 5 yesterday. That's a low day. If I'm waddling (or making a really concerted effort not to waddle), also a low day. I.... don't like low days.

8. The Food Aversions Are Real

This has luckily passed for me, though I know a lot of women who weren't so lucky. Early in pregnancy, I could barely stand to be in the same room as a chicken breast. The only way I could stomach chicken is if it were deep fried into something barely recognizable. On that note...

9. Do. Not. Eff. With. My. Food.

Oh my God, I think if every person who was a huge jerk to me while waitressing over their food was pregnant, I retroactively forgive them. If I have an idea of what I want in my head, I am... not proud of the person I become if something comes in between that. (Don't worry, I have not yelled at any poor restaurant employees. I still have 7 years of restaurant experience under my belt to stoke the flames of empathy. I have cried over food being screwed up, though.) Ryan has also given up trying to take anything from my plate without express permission, but he came pretty close to some fork wounds before learning that lesson. 

10. SO MANY FEELINGS.

I've never been much of a crier, with the exception of videos of military dads being reunited with their kids. But since I've been pregnant, all bets are off. Ryan is endlessly amused at this, and will send videos while across the room just to see if it'll make me cry. Most of them involve cows, which DID YOU GUYS KNOW ARE BASICALLY JUST GIANT DOGS? Christ. I've almost become a vegetarian more times this pregnancy than the rest of my life combined.

Jessica Versaw